I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
23. the denim jacket
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
This is a sub tweet
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Some people were born into their job.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]