Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.