My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Did I do this right
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.