When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit