I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.