Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
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I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out