A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
You Might Also Like
*limbos away from your hug*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…