“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months