Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house