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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.