One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
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me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.