Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
i hope my email finds you on fire
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t