I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.