Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Tell the colonel to bring it
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW