Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Rather alarming headline…
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
He wanted to make sure😂