“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Acronyms got me like WTF?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??