There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
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Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom