Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
anyone else like Italian cereal
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending