When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Seems kinda suspicious
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.