I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
R.I.P.