My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I can also cook 😂
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.