therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore