There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
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The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
did it work
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.