In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.