My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker