Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned