Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*