I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Yes, this is exactly right
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.