Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I can’t wait!
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.