While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.