My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I would like even faster food.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Imma just leave this here…………
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU