Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs