ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
This rocks
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.