Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!