I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
You Might Also Like
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream