[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
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In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.