All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Print is alive and well!!!
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”