[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
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My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
This did not end as expected.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.