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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Good point.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything