I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I think this cat is broken
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away