Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
we all know this pain all too well
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing