NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
next question.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.