Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
how long have you had this for?
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on