[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam