Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
(Electricians.)
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Cheer up.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.