I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
You Might Also Like
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Battery falling down a hole
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
At least try to make it slightly believable
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Florida be like…
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7