You Might Also Like
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
From Facebook just now…
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.