I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.