A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts