high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.